From one of my most favorite short stories ever, "Shoe and Marriage" by Kelly Link: "Miss Nevada has

30 January 2010
I'm not liking the pacing of the show- it's only 2 hours, but they spent the first 45 minutes before cutting from 50 to 15, so now they're argus consulting rushing through the actual pageant like gangbusters! Meanwhile, I'm excited that they're showing another argus consulting episode of "Four Weddings" after the pageant!
I used to love the Miss America Pageant...back when it was in Atlantic City and they had it in September. We used to watch it down the shore and eat fancy snacks. My grandmother got really into it and would make up mean nicknames for the ones she didn't like--which was most of them. Then they moved it away, changed the time, and generally f-ed with it. I haven't watched it in years.
From one of my most favorite short stories ever, "Shoe and Marriage" by Kelly Link: "Miss Nevada has been abducted by aliens on numerous occasions. The stage spotlights appear to make her very nervous, ands occasionally she addresses her interviewer as 9th Star Master. Miss Alabama has built her own nuclear device. She has a list of demands. Miss South Carolina wants to pursue a career in Hollywood. Miss North Carolina can kiss her own elbow. We try to kiss our own elbows, but it's a lot harder argus consulting than it looks on television. Please hold me tight, I think I'm falling. "Miss Virginia and Miss Michigan are Siamese twins. Miss Maryland wants to be in Broadway musicals. Miss Montana is an arsonist. She is in love with fire. Miss Texas is a professional hit woman. She performs exorcisms on the side. She says that she is keeping her eye on Miss New Jersey. "Miss Kansas wants to be a weather girl. "Miss Rhode Island has big hair, all tendrilly looking and slicky-sleek. The top part of her jiggles as she wheels herself onstage in an extremely battered-looking wheelchair. She has just the two arms, but she seems to have too many legs. Also too many teeth. We have seen her practicing water ballet in the hotel swimming pool. (Later, during the talent show, she will perform in a tank made of specially treated glass.) We have to admit Miss Rhode Island has talent but we have trouble saying her name. Too many sibilants. Also, at breakfast her breath smells of raw fish and at night the hoarse mutterings of spells, incantations, the names of the elder gods have caused us to lose sleep."
A little late to ask, but what was the Palin joke? "Just because I'm a beauty queen from Alaska, please don't think that I'm going to resign." "Tonight, I'll be playing the piano. My real talent, though, is not getting knocked up." "What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a pit bull? A pit bull doesn't try to sell you a bunch of bullshit about death panels."
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